A Thought of Fiction

a thought of fiction

I am a player of randomness, and it is my domain. To be beyond it is an idea so appalling, for randomness is not chaos, it’s just an idea of free will. So, swerving into randomness, I had an idea of utter brilliance with a streak of absurdity. What if, the words we speak were not an element of our conscious mind, but that of our subconscious. So to speak, our speech were the manifestation of our free mind and free will, rather than thoughts subjugated to societal hegemony and crass disposition of those around us. Would that make the world a better place to live in or not?

Just to make this clear, the subconscious isn’t just grey matter with only perception but no initiation. The subconscious is the background of the scenery that you paint through the course of your life. So basically the girl in the picture isn’t the most outstanding feature of the painting, it maybe the scenery in itself, hence is said, see the bigger picture in life :p. Nobody would like Julie Andrews dancing to the track of “The Sound of Music” in the backdrop of Gothic metal heads.So, the background does matter and in a way influences the center piece. What we see isn’t what we believe in, it is always what we are told to believe in, is where we vest our trust. Had we actually believed in what we saw, the subconscious and conscious wouldn’t be two tiers of thoughts, but reflections of each other, with one being just a little more refine than the other.

What we are subconsciously is very sublime and innate to the idea of our being. But what we put forth consciously maybe just the way we want to be. In college, we choose to hang around with a set of people, who supposedly are very cool, whereas deep down we want to be amongst those geeks at the book club. We persist in our efforts of making to the football team, something that we suck at, but don’t step into the auditions for the lead to that play we always loved. In such situations, if ever there was a possibility where you could just speak out whatever you wished too, life would certainly become less complicated.

Complexity in life is like the basement of a dungy house and you are the spider in it. Either you roll around weaving a constant thread and walk away from the hell hole or sit cooped up, weaving constant webs around in the same place till you yourself get tangled in them and die a miserable death.

Here is another thought on subconscious mind. Have you seen the movie Lucy or Limitless? If you have, who would you weigh in as the champion of situations, the conscious or the subconscious. Well, subconscious in indeed limitless, but to be fair to consciousness, it does channelize the subconscious thoughts, but not in a way so as to distort them.

Will subconscious eradicate the element of pretentiousness? Well, it just might. But then, it again depends. Those who are habitual liars and pretenders, believe inherently that what they are doing is the best for them. So, the subconscious mind, which is the reflection ,has been indoctrinated into believing just that. The eyes and the ears, see and hear things differently and thus, the subconscious has a different story to tell.

Everything is after all just a story, just an idea. Few grasp onto real life, rest fade into our subconscious and die forever.

The Relic of Euphoria

Freedom

As I boarded off the subway, and headed through the alley onto the staircase, the breeze sunk me down and I was hit by that feeling again. The feeling that I have been dreading for the past one year, every enviable moment that reminds me of her. I came to despise myself that such an aberration to the beauty of the city of Delhi, has come to play such a significant part in the entirety of my ephemeral existence. I was clad with emotion and the sense of vulnerability swayed me over the edge. Regardless of how I felt, I continued to gaze across the ambiance that Connaught Place had to offer. It’s too delicate a situation, when your feet sit still, weighing you down as you walk, for every step that you take it a constant reminder of a past that no more recites itself with same fervor as it did at a point of time. Every place you see is a memory of her, and even though you desperately try to avoid the reality, it catches on. It’s hard to blame a place, for it just stands there whilst you look away and rage into a string of expletives which your mind desists. It still exudes its pleasant vibes which had once drawn you towards it, and comforted you well so as to become symbol of your love.

So, I kept walking around with a lot of random and awkward gazing. As I continued on my daredevilry, the paraphernalia of CP no more shackled me with nostalgia. Maybe it was just the weather, or the people or just the fact that amidst my stroll, I had forgotten about her or had let go of my objective strain to see the place as raunchiness of heartbreak and pain. The place which emasculated my very soul, suddenly seemed to enrich me with a feeling of rave bravado. I wondered whether the feeling that had been haunting me for the past year, wasn’t the feeling of misery and sadness, instead was a feeling of warmth and love that I had chosen to cloak in eternal sadness, for the face to that memory had become too much of a burden to bear. I had started to love this place, in fact I always did.

So, amongst the crowd I walked with my new found endearment for CP. For the new found wisdom was too captivating, a jovial me walked through the crowd with a new feeling. Now and then, I would feel the urge to go back, for maybe the feeling was too overwhelming that my wretched heart could absorb. But then I would force myself to carry on and loose myself in the moment and in the crowd like a faceless lovelorn creature who had somehow found a key to bypass the deceptive heart and its ways.   The feeling was her blessing, for she has made it special. She may not feature in the picture of my life anymore, but I knew one thing, the place which once stood as a relic to my love shall forever remain so. The feeling I had sensed at every minute with her by my side, had become a part of me. This feeling had beset a feeling of dismay at a point of time, when her betrayal clouded the love that I had found in her. But, when I finally gave in to the idea of fate, the cloud evaporated and the warmth returned.

I will return to that place again, and you shall see me with my strident steps, embracing the air like a carefree child. I will know no sense of fear, rather will blaze away in the sun with my candor and euphoria to live a life of love again.

I like to play the blame game, do you?

I like to play the blame game, so should you. It’s funny and exhilarating, pinning your failures onto others. Sometimes, it’s out of sheer disdain for those around ,that you try to pin your failures and acts of indiscretion onto others. It’s even ridiculous, because we are the ones who loose out, yet the sadistic pleasure of someone suffering for your misdoings is a thing that we like.

It starts with a seed in the mind, perpetuated by our unwillingness to take control of things in our lives. Such dire situations, which require our utmost commitments make us ponder, our we up for the game with life, our should we take the easy way out and play the blame game. We choose the latter.

It starts small, small like the days at school, when an hour of outing with your parents became the major distraction of the weekend, so as to make it difficult for you to write that one page of the assignment due for a monday. At school, with the teacher’s cane up front, parents became the culprit and victim of your wrath for irresponsible parenting as you burst out on them, passing on the blame. As you grew up and faltered to stand up to the occasion and make it to the ivy leagues, you brushed aside those shoulders which came towards you to console you, disregarding the fact that in your defeat was their sorrow too. But then, your passion for blame games let you into the abyss of constant complaining and crying, where every opportunity was another call for undue hassle and effort. As you graduated to another level, and chose a companion in life, the foreplay of profession took the toll of your personal affairs. You didn’t contemplate what was wrong with the situation, for you knew, the wrong was in the person…and yet again that person wasn’t you, it was the Her.  You strengthened your philosophy of letting go of what lets you down, and moved on. In the brisk environment of  constant pressure and pain, you were an infallible creature of utmost dignity and humility which no one saw, and with that thought you marched on. As you tried to climb that ladder of success, you just looked up and thought that once you reach there, standing at that pedestal of true success, you would finally accomplish what has bereaved you for so long. And yet, as you reached, that feeling didn’t last. You asked yourself now and again, a little agitated and huffed out in agony, what was wrong. You felt vulnerable, as you realized those around were all gone. Now you couldn’t either blame anyone, nor could you embrace anyone. Your game was now over, and life had reached that constant, from where there was no marching on.

Judge and be Judged

“Those who fear being judged, secretly judge others.”

If i were to ask you to count on your finger tips the number of occasions in the past year where you couldn’t gather yourself to something, out of fear of being laughed or mocked at, trust me, you would run out of fingers. The implication of this statement isn’t aimed at the notion of self-confidence, but rather sways into the judgmental territory.

Many of us have always feared the unknown possibilities, opportunity and chances, not because they seem difficult, but because we feared the people we might come across and how they would perceive our presence. Thus, we chose to bow out of such commitments which entail any bold steps towards our  dreams. We let go, and worst is that , we don’t regret it. We just try to console ourselves by convincing ourselves that the foregone endeavors were something that our destiny didn’t bequeath to us. We settle in our mediocrity not because we lack talent, not because we aren’t smart enough ; we settle out because we our cursed in our passiveness at confronting people to take what is rightfully ours, and this is no sacrifice, its sheer stupidity. So stop such foolishness and do the inevitable.

Do we really matter

In this modern competitive world with billions of people, do you think we matter? Well, I am not talking in physics term but in emotional terms. You might have come across this thought now and then, when you feel undergo a misfortune, and let the unhappiness spill over in your life. Then to escape your misery, you go ranting about the tough times you have had, not with an idea of seeking solace from those close to you, but  just to reinforce the idea that your existence means something to someone. When people acknowledge you, you get a warm feeling which though is ephemeral in nature, fills you up with warmth and you feel as if you have achieved something. Your biggest mistake is that you start taking this as a measure of your life. It is the easiest way to becoming even more miserable.

Like I said, amidst the 7 billion people on this planet, do you think your really matter. Well, why think of it negatively. Over a period of time I have come to realise that this is the best thing that can happen to you. If you don’t matter, you tend to be the forgotten face in the crowd. Your constant inhibitions about being judged dry out since there is no one to care for. Such moment in life are when you grow the most. It is in those moments of loneliness when we introspect and realise the true worth of our lives.

What people think about you, is none of your business

Life is a constant process. It is a big package of emotional and physical endurance tests, and its upto us if we want to jump across those hurdles and reach the end of the finish line with a triumphant smile, or do we want to be the injured guy who limps his was through the sidelines, and finishes the race for the sake of it.

Life is essentially too short to think about others’ opinions about you. Sometimes its easier to ease down and do what you like. It will fill you up with satisfaction , and leave no room for regret. Don’t let you insecurities about yourself come in the way of your success. These moral ideas aren’t too difficult to uphold if you give it a try. All it requires is sincere attempt, and you will be surprised by how amazing it feels towards the end.