Rolling them Models

As a kid, I had several role models, ranging from the most suave rock-stars to superheroes from the movies. In fact, a few of them were a creation of my imaginative mind, which always placed me in the shoes of men in capes. It was exciting to dwell in such fantasies and let my grey cells galore gallop away to the most incredible imagery one could possibly form, wherein every outcome of blithe transgressions were not only favourable, but were symbolic of my unique virtues (atleast as to my mind). Though, a seasoned vigilante in my dreams and a struggling student in reality, my thick glasses didn’t do me justice as much as they did to Clark Kent. I remained a mortal nobody with or without glasses.

Through the course of my childhood, as my ambitions changed, the posters on my bedroom walls fell victims. Even the shelves in my room were overwhelmed with different genre of books that placed themselves neatly over the slabs, aggregating to a picture of a clueless mind towards the end of my teens. Now, when many around me partake to the cubical life, I sit here, still clueless, admiring the beauty of the titles , which have now grown comfortable with each other. Each title is a part of me, and somewhere in my mind, it gleams in the deepest corners allowing me to be a generalist in my virtues and exhibit loads of other non-essential qualities.

As every role model has come and gone, I haven’t been  able to emotionally detach myself from all of them. In their most vulnerable times, I find myself weakened. I can’t count to how many times a final’s defeat or a serve that went wrong has brought me down to the floor ,when Roger Federer would be playing. Every time a soldier dies in the line of duty, showing exemplary courage and valor, I get distraught. I find strength from such characters, and to see them vulnerable is like seeing myself vulnerable, and this isn’t a feeling I cherish.

From the schools of Idealism, a contemporary note says  , ”

Believe in all bullshit for truth is none, skepticism is all around you, choose the best one.

Role models bring in their own set of ideals and virtues, and like a book, you need to read them to know them. If you find the right one, stick with them for they can really help you do things you didn’t think you were capable of. If not, then you are most welcome to share my bookshelf.

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Transition

For the DAILY PROMPT

“Train stations, airport terminals, subway stops: soulless spaces full of distracted, stressed zombies, or magical sets for fleeting, interlocking human stories?”

By the time she reached the railway station, she was panting with sweat tricking down her face, ebbing down her breasts and drenching her completely. She had hardly been able to pack her bag when he had come back knocking. high on desperation and inebriated out of his wits. Today was the day that she had called it quit to those incessant nasty disparaging remarks that she as the lady of the house had chosen not to conform to. Aisha wanted a different life, a better life, a life with respect and a life without her alcoholic better-half.

Lately his responses to her concerns about his life were becoming vague. Was he going to loose his job, would they have to shift again or was he finally getting back on track? Sanjay had an issue with his temper and usually would spring up on everything and anything that would insinuate a repugnant remark on his caliber and character. He had come to think of life as a constant  affair of immeasurable pain, wherein he tread the path of misery alone. His love for Aisha had dwindled over a period of time, as it had become difficult for him to see her concern as an act of utmost love, but an act to rip through his insecurities  by reminding him of his acts of indiscretions and incompetence. Slowly and slowly, the cracks in the relationship had become so wide, that the wife he adored became a paddle to rub against as he swerved through rough waters in life. Sanjay would constantly abuse Aisha, both physically and emotionally. Number of occasions, he would come back really late, usually drunk. He had been going through some tough times at office in the past one year, and his professional life had started taking a toll on his personal life. Over the past two months, things had only gotten worse. Not only did he sound dejected and cheated in life, all his frustration in life would translate into forced sex with Aisha. If she would refuse, he would beat her up and do so regardless. Making love had taken a different trajectory in life and it was becoming harder for Aisha to believe that in what was once a relished as a union of two bodies and one soul, was now a relationship bereft of any emotion and was a plain carnal relationship.From being that jovial woman with an intellect, who painted a larger than life picture across her,Aisha had come to become  a submissive and passive woman, who would startle even at the sound of a bell. A fine delicate face, which once fashioned a broad smile, now had bruises and dark patches redolent of a violent life. She was loosing it and loosing it fast.

Having deliberated on situation and options, Aisha could no more find reason to stay in a relationship wherein her husband no more saw her as a partner, but just a critic. She had become a symbol of his failure. So, one evening she confronted Sanjay for the dismal condition that they had reached in their life and told him about her finally calling it quit and leaving him forever. Of what followed were constant rebukes and utter violence. She was not only beaten but locked inside the house as well. Having lost her parents at a young age, Aisha didn’t have anyone to look upto and with in-laws who were not even willing to acknowledge her as their daughter-in-law, things couldn’t have been worse. So, she began writing and counting days of her miserable existence. She even contemplated killing herself, but in a place where she was already dead in her aspiration in life, physical death hardly mattered.  Deep down inside she wanted to live.

So, one day when Sanjay was out for work, Aisha made up her mind to run away. She packed her bag and took whatever she could in that short time, for he could return any minute. As she had feared, he returned shouting shortly afterwards. Only later when he realised that he had locked her in, did he open the door . This is when Aisha, completely shaken and shivering knew that the time had come. It was now or never, or else life would come catching and cut it short of the happiness it deserved. As Sanjay made way, the house opened to an empty living room with things discarded and thrown around, with an open window and a rope running down. She had run away from the shackles of his abhorrent life to see life in a way she knew how.

Probably too exhilarating an experience, Aisha was making a dash for her life and was finally smiling again. She felt liberated not at the breath of fresh air, or by the fact that there was no more incessant beating, but only because she could decide for herself. She ran towards the station as fast as she could, fleeing away from the place not even to let the old air catch her and cake her lungs with the weakness that had come to adorn lately.

She booked the ticket for the next north-bound train she could find and waited for a few minutes. She placed the satchel on her lap as she sat down on the bench at the deserted station, keeping the suitcase beside her. Nearly exhausted enough to pass out, she glared at the lights around her, which seemed to transcend from just beacons of illumination to thoughts of a future. As true perspective had come to her when she was forced upon a pedestal of pain and agony, she now envisaged life differently .With a discerning gaze, she looked at the passing by people, observing them for what they were and how different they seemed. She knew in her heart, that people were all the same, struggling in their own existence yet laughing away , taking things in their strides.

The Relic of Euphoria

Freedom

As I boarded off the subway, and headed through the alley onto the staircase, the breeze sunk me down and I was hit by that feeling again. The feeling that I have been dreading for the past one year, every enviable moment that reminds me of her. I came to despise myself that such an aberration to the beauty of the city of Delhi, has come to play such a significant part in the entirety of my ephemeral existence. I was clad with emotion and the sense of vulnerability swayed me over the edge. Regardless of how I felt, I continued to gaze across the ambiance that Connaught Place had to offer. It’s too delicate a situation, when your feet sit still, weighing you down as you walk, for every step that you take it a constant reminder of a past that no more recites itself with same fervor as it did at a point of time. Every place you see is a memory of her, and even though you desperately try to avoid the reality, it catches on. It’s hard to blame a place, for it just stands there whilst you look away and rage into a string of expletives which your mind desists. It still exudes its pleasant vibes which had once drawn you towards it, and comforted you well so as to become symbol of your love.

So, I kept walking around with a lot of random and awkward gazing. As I continued on my daredevilry, the paraphernalia of CP no more shackled me with nostalgia. Maybe it was just the weather, or the people or just the fact that amidst my stroll, I had forgotten about her or had let go of my objective strain to see the place as raunchiness of heartbreak and pain. The place which emasculated my very soul, suddenly seemed to enrich me with a feeling of rave bravado. I wondered whether the feeling that had been haunting me for the past year, wasn’t the feeling of misery and sadness, instead was a feeling of warmth and love that I had chosen to cloak in eternal sadness, for the face to that memory had become too much of a burden to bear. I had started to love this place, in fact I always did.

So, amongst the crowd I walked with my new found endearment for CP. For the new found wisdom was too captivating, a jovial me walked through the crowd with a new feeling. Now and then, I would feel the urge to go back, for maybe the feeling was too overwhelming that my wretched heart could absorb. But then I would force myself to carry on and loose myself in the moment and in the crowd like a faceless lovelorn creature who had somehow found a key to bypass the deceptive heart and its ways.   The feeling was her blessing, for she has made it special. She may not feature in the picture of my life anymore, but I knew one thing, the place which once stood as a relic to my love shall forever remain so. The feeling I had sensed at every minute with her by my side, had become a part of me. This feeling had beset a feeling of dismay at a point of time, when her betrayal clouded the love that I had found in her. But, when I finally gave in to the idea of fate, the cloud evaporated and the warmth returned.

I will return to that place again, and you shall see me with my strident steps, embracing the air like a carefree child. I will know no sense of fear, rather will blaze away in the sun with my candor and euphoria to live a life of love again.

Being Oblivious

Oblivion of the desires and pursuits of mortal existence is a dream which noble souls seek. It never comes down to an oddity of weak choosing oblivion over enrichment for they aren’t prepared to deal with the reality. The truth is, ignoring what may seem harsh, but at the same time existentially irrelevant is a pursuit of the strong and intelligent. It showcases your ability to prioritize without any undue misery attached to any decision you make. When you walk up on a stage to be heard for what you really stand for, it’s always good to be oblivious to the voices of dissent in some corner on the room. You should always know, you are up there to be heard,not to please.

In a world full of diversity, not in sense of race, gender or creed, it’s the attitude which distinguishes people. Being oblivious to others is an option which is misinterpreted and deeply abhorred in general. The idea isn’t about ignoring those around you, it is just that there should never be a moment in life, wherein you let go of yourself to be someone you aren’t, just because those voices of dissent caught up with you. The agenda is and should be to do as you please, not in a selfish way, but in a manner so as to be able to preserve your identity.

So can I actually slate out a criteria to get the oblivion act right?                                                   No

I just know one thing for sure, to be able to please everyone and anyone who may or may not matter is a thing of God. We are mortal and a little disdain or hatred will not kill anyone as much as a life full of frustration at the sight of disbelief and extreme insecurity about our own skin.

To forgive and forget

Sometimes few people just get to you and rage you up to an extent that you flare up through out the day. But most of the times, it’s not the unknown stranger who brushed you aside on the bus, or the unforgiving boss who gave you a pep talk , but the people who are very close to us who hurt us the most.Then, it’s difficult to decide whether you should just forgive and forget or get back at them. The dilemma is that, you can’t hurt the ones you love, because if you did, it would hurt you instead. So, we go about hurting ourselves basing it on the same principle as in the previous line, hoping that it would in turn hurt them. Now, this is a gamble in a way. Reason being, if you were put in a really disturbing grim situation by a supposed loved one, chances are that they didn’t actually love you or care for you enough. SO, when you go about sacrificing yourself, inflicting pain upon yourself, with a hope of evoking a response wherein the person feels that they are responsible for you current condition, you are on the losing end. If they don’t respond, you would have not only ended up hurting yourself, but would be worse off than you earlier were, as the act establishes the apathy from the other side. To know that a person who loved so much at a point of time has no concern whatsoever for you, is one of the worst feeling ever.

To make sure you aren’t the playing the ball game to lose, make sure you don’t make the situation a ball game in the first place. It’s not always about getting back at people for what they did to you. Sometimes the best is to forget for it is the quickest way to alleviating ourselves from the pain, rather than to reel under it, agonizing and antagonizing. Don’t go about killing yourself for what they did, rather concentrate on what you did, and what you must do. Time plays a part in healing as long as you are wiling to use it to fill your life with happiness. The continuum of sorrow and merriment, isn’t misery and inebriation, but a series of fruitful wondrous moments.

Judge and be Judged

“Those who fear being judged, secretly judge others.”

If i were to ask you to count on your finger tips the number of occasions in the past year where you couldn’t gather yourself to something, out of fear of being laughed or mocked at, trust me, you would run out of fingers. The implication of this statement isn’t aimed at the notion of self-confidence, but rather sways into the judgmental territory.

Many of us have always feared the unknown possibilities, opportunity and chances, not because they seem difficult, but because we feared the people we might come across and how they would perceive our presence. Thus, we chose to bow out of such commitments which entail any bold steps towards our  dreams. We let go, and worst is that , we don’t regret it. We just try to console ourselves by convincing ourselves that the foregone endeavors were something that our destiny didn’t bequeath to us. We settle in our mediocrity not because we lack talent, not because we aren’t smart enough ; we settle out because we our cursed in our passiveness at confronting people to take what is rightfully ours, and this is no sacrifice, its sheer stupidity. So stop such foolishness and do the inevitable.

Do we really matter

In this modern competitive world with billions of people, do you think we matter? Well, I am not talking in physics term but in emotional terms. You might have come across this thought now and then, when you feel undergo a misfortune, and let the unhappiness spill over in your life. Then to escape your misery, you go ranting about the tough times you have had, not with an idea of seeking solace from those close to you, but  just to reinforce the idea that your existence means something to someone. When people acknowledge you, you get a warm feeling which though is ephemeral in nature, fills you up with warmth and you feel as if you have achieved something. Your biggest mistake is that you start taking this as a measure of your life. It is the easiest way to becoming even more miserable.

Like I said, amidst the 7 billion people on this planet, do you think your really matter. Well, why think of it negatively. Over a period of time I have come to realise that this is the best thing that can happen to you. If you don’t matter, you tend to be the forgotten face in the crowd. Your constant inhibitions about being judged dry out since there is no one to care for. Such moment in life are when you grow the most. It is in those moments of loneliness when we introspect and realise the true worth of our lives.

What people think about you, is none of your business

Life is a constant process. It is a big package of emotional and physical endurance tests, and its upto us if we want to jump across those hurdles and reach the end of the finish line with a triumphant smile, or do we want to be the injured guy who limps his was through the sidelines, and finishes the race for the sake of it.

Life is essentially too short to think about others’ opinions about you. Sometimes its easier to ease down and do what you like. It will fill you up with satisfaction , and leave no room for regret. Don’t let you insecurities about yourself come in the way of your success. These moral ideas aren’t too difficult to uphold if you give it a try. All it requires is sincere attempt, and you will be surprised by how amazing it feels towards the end.

 

Setbacks & Comebacks

 

Setbacks and Comebacks are two mutually exclusive events where one follows the another.The occurrence of both isn’t something sought as forthcoming, but is merely consequence of our reflections upon life and its virtues. Adversities aren’t noble guests which knock on your door, seeking permission for your attention. Rather, they are like a cavalcade of spearheaded humanoids which have blithe disregard towards your life and will kill you for good. It’s up to you, whether you want to be up in arms yourself on the other side of that door when they come knocking, or wish to present yourself as steak ready to be slaughtered.

But setbacks, as the term suggests may not always kill you. They will just push you back . It is like a litmus test of life, where the powers above test whether you will push back or not. Setbacks seek to present with themselves an opportunity for you to redeem yourself of your shortcoming and start afresh to a better beginning, a stronger beginning. As is said, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is in fact true in all regards. A person achieves true success not while envisaging a dreamy future, but whilst he battles in the face of adversity. Not everybody will have a Eureka moment while rejoicing in a bathtub. Troubles might trip you, bethrow you, but that is when you learn, you learn to be better, to be stronger; you learn that you don’t know everything there is to know, but atleast wish to try, for a life a ignorance and comfort isn’t a life lived, it isn’t a life at all.

You then make a comeback and seek greatness, when you realize that you aren’t infallible, when the blood gushing through your wounds, emotional or physical, prove testament to your mortality. You learn to grow up from your frailty and wish to be better, wish not for you past to erase itself, but just wish, that when the time comes, you have the courage to face it all over again. You learn not to regret, for you are nothing but a silhouette of emptiness without your experiences. It is when you hit rock bottom in life, do you stop digging and for a change, look up and see the light that swathes over. It is not the light of intellectualism nor is it the light of culmination, it is the light of reality which has now struck you hard and shaken you out of your complacency. It is when your self esteem can’t wither away more, there is only one way to go and that way is the way up. So jump on it and rise towards glory. This reminds of a beautiful poem by the late author Maya Angelou, ” Still I rise”.

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.